When To Fear The Living Read online

  “What about the guys you hang out with at parties?” I asked softly. He shook his head.

  “I bullshit with them but I don’t even have their phone numbers, and I don’t want to.” He looked out at the field as he continued. “I shove people away as far as I can, it’s my first reaction when new people come around.” He looked back to me, his eyes were warm as they ran over my face again. “You were different. I was comfortable with you from day one, so I didn’t do that with you.” He took a breath and looked back out at the field. “So, when you didn’t tell me about those bitches treating you like shit, it was a hard hit. The fact that you didn’t trust me with it, made me instantly not trust you. My instinct was to cut and run.” I watched him swallow hard. “But like I said, I know myself very well. I know that’s not a normal reaction, not to the degree that I felt it. So, I asked you what I had to know immediately and put you on probation.” He turned back and looked into my eyes. “Probation isn’t a punishment, Lexie. This is me asking you to help me with my shit. It’s me, asking you to help me work my way through wanting to push you away.” My eyes burned, so I looked out at the field.

  “How does this trust exercise work for you?” I asked, needing to know.

  “When you call me every night and tell me what happened during your day, I know you’re at home and safe,” He explained. “That no one has hurt you.”

  “You didn’t think to explain that?” I asked. The ache in my chest easing, he was quiet for a few seconds.

  “Honestly? No. I didn’t think about it,” He admitted. “I keep forgetting that you’re new. That you don’t know certain things about me, the stuff that all the others know.” I looked back to him and met his ice blue eyes.

  “Then maybe you should tell me,” I told him softly. His gaze ran over my face again before looking down at the bleachers in front of us.

  “Maybe,” He whispered. We were quiet for a while as we both watched the snow blow over the football field.

  “You still haven’t answered the question,” I pointed out before I looked at him again. He was still watching the field. “What would you have done if I didn’t go along with probation?” He licked his lips.

  “I didn’t answer, because I don’t have a fucking clue,” He admitted. “I guess, I would have called my old shrink and tried to figure out a new way that would work with you.” He looked over at me, his face worried. “Did you really think I’d just... cut you out?”

  I looked out at the field before I answered. “Yeah, that’s what it felt like.”

  “Baby.” He said softly. He reached out and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, his fingers massaging. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I’d never just cut you out of my life,” He said quietly. I nodded that I heard him. “You’re not disposable, Lexie, not to me.”

  “It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud,” I said, trying to make a joke of it.

  “I’m not bailing on you,” He stated, his deep voice confident. “You hear me?” I snorted.

  “I hear ya,” I answered. His fingers gave my neck one more squeeze before he ran his hand down my back and dropped away. After a while I looked up at him. “How the hell did you get me out of class?” He chuckled as the tension left his shoulders.

  “Ethan swiped a bunch of blank call slips from the main office at the beginning of the year,” He grinned down at me. “We use ‘em to get out of class once in a while.” I scoffed dramatically.

  “How do I not have any of these?” I asked in my highly-offended voice. He smirked as I reached for his bag. He snatched it up and held it out of my reach.

  “Hell no, go after Ethan's,” He told me. “He still has a stack of ‘em.” I started laughing and Zeke wasn’t far behind. Just like that Zeke and I were okay again.

  “Fine,” I growled playfully at him. He just smirked at me. I checked the time, we still had a few minutes before classes were out for lunch. My mind went back to what Ethan had said earlier. “Ethan said your shoulder was hurting again?” I said. He sighed.

  “Shoulder, back, no real difference anymore,” He grumbled. I looked out at the field.

  “Is it bad enough to want that massage?” I asked. I was quiet as he thought about it.

  “Not yet,” He muttered. I nodded.

  “Try those heating pads. It’ll loosen up your muscles,” I offered. He nodded.

  “I’ll give it a shot,” He said as he checked his watch. “Class is out.” We both got to our feet and headed back towards the hallways.

  We walked into the cafeteria to see the others already at our usual table. Riley's eyes went wide when she saw us together. Miles’ gaze went from me to Zeke then back again.

  “Are you two alright now?” Miles asked.

  “Or do we need to take cover?” Ethan added. I grinned.

  “Nah, we’re fine,” I announced. Then I pointed a finger at Ethan. “You, however, owe some call slips.” Ethan groaned as I sat down next to Isaac and pulled out my lunch.

  “I’ll bring you some tomorrow,” Ethan said begrudgingly. Zeke sat next to Riley and pulled his own lunch out. Eventually, Riley and I were talking about the Winter Formal next weekend.

  “Why don’t I set you up with one of my friends?” Riley offered again. I sighed.

  “Because I’m not looking for a date,” I reminded her. Riley waved her hand dismissively.

  “I know three guys who are perfect.” Riley tried again. I looked her in the eye this time.

  “No,” I said firmly. “I don’t want a date. Besides, someone else there is bound to be going solo too.”

  “No one goes to those things stag,” Asher said, looking up from lunch. I shot him a look.

  “Oh, yeah? Who are you going with?” I countered. Asher smirked.

  “Lisa Cantrail,” He announced. I went still. No, this was good. It’d help me get over him, right? Then twins started laughing.

  “Is-isn’t she a lesbian?” Ethan asked as Isaac kept laughing. Asher nodded.

  “Yeah, but her parents still don’t know yet, and they’re chaperoning,” Asher admitted. “I heard her say she needed a cover so they don’t get suspicious. So, I offered.” He pointed at me. “The point is, these things are for couples, without a date you’re going to be bored.”

  “Even some couples don’t go to those things,” Riley said sweetly, her voice had a hard edge to it. Zeke clenched his jaw but said nothing as he continued eating his lunch.

  “Red, do you even know how to wear a dress?” Isaac asked, drawing everyone’s attention off Zeke and Riley. I knew exactly what he was doing so I joined in.

  “I may not wear skirts or dresses, but I can glam up with the best of them,” I said confidently. Isaac burst out laughing.

  “Yeah, right,” Isaac said, chuckling. I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Let’s make a bet,” I offered. “If I can make your jaw drop when you see me, I get a foot massage Sunday morning after brunch.” Isaac shook his head as he grinned at me.

  “Deal,” Isaac said instantly. “But it’s going to take a lot to make my jaw drop.” I smirked at him.

  “We’ll see,” I said vaguely. Conversation went back to normal, though Zeke and Riley both were quiet after that. The guys were making plans for tonight when Miles looked across the table to me.

  “Lexie, don’t forget, that play is tonight,” Miles said. I nodded since I was taking a drink of water. The table went dead quiet.

  “Where are you taking Beautiful?” Ethan asked suspiciously.

  “To a play down in Missoula, the University there is putting one on,” Miles answered.

  “Miles wants me to see that not all Shakespearean plays are tragedies,” I told them. “He figured you guys wouldn’t want to go.” The others chuckled and agreed. I took another bite of my sandwich as Asher started telling everyone about something that happened in his homeroom this morning when my phone vibrated. It was a number I’d never seen before.

  Unknown: It’s me, your secret admirer. O
r a girl gave me a wrong number, if that’s the case, sorry to bother you.

  I snorted. Secret Admirer guy really was shy.

  Alexis: It’s me. I don’t give out wrong numbers. If someone asks and I don’t want them to have it, I tell them so. It saves everyone time and keeps everything clear.

  Unknown: Lol, well, I’m glad I didn’t just annoy some stranger.

  Alexis: Are you going to tell me your name so I can add you to my phone?

  There was a long silence.

  Unknown: Not yet, I’m sorry. We’ve met and if I make an ass of myself I’d like you not to know who I am. If that makes any sense.

  I smirked.

  Alexis: It makes sense. So, you obviously got my note. Are you going to tell me your hobbies?

  Unknown: Well, lately, I’ve been really interested in biomedical engineering. I like the idea of making artificial hearts and organs from mechanical parts.

  Wow. I was impressed. This guy sounded highly intelligent. Before I could respond my phone vibrated.

  Unknown: And that sounded creepy, like I’m Frankenstein or something, I’m just interested in how it would work and all.

  I snorted as I texted back.

  Alexis: No, it’s interesting. Think about how many lives it would save, if they could make a permanent heart? No one would have to wait for someone to die to get a transplant.

  Unknown: That’s the first time I’ve gotten that response, most people look at me as if I’m insane.

  I smiled at that.

  The bell rang for sixth period.

  Alexis: You’re not. Class, gotta go.

  Everyone got up and grabbed their bags. Miles walked with me out of the Cafeteria.

  “Who were you texting with?” Miles asked, curious.

  “Just Secret Admirer guy, I gave him my number,” I said. “I figured if we talked he’d tell me who he is.”

  “Any luck?”

  “Nope,” I admitted dryly. Miles grinned.

  “The play starts at seven, so I figured that I’ll pick you up at five. There’s a restaurant I think you’ll like that I know,” Miles said as we walked down the hall. Butterflies took off in my stomach. This was sounding more and more like a date. Knock it off Lexie, he doesn’t think of you that way.

  “Sounds good to me,” I said, trying not to let him know how excited I was about spending time alone with him. Miles gave me a small smile before taking off towards his next class. I let out a deep breath. Please don’t let me make a fool out of myself.

  Chapter 3

  Friday Night

  I looked at my reflection for what had to be the twentieth time in ten minutes. Black skinny jeans disappeared into my knee-high black boots, while a thin emerald green sweater brought out my eyes. My long hair was in smooth curls down my back. I made sure to keep my makeup looking natural, using dark eyeliner and mascara to highlight my eyes. I looked good, the outfit showed off my curves without showing too much skin. All together it was my usual sexy, not too obvious until you got close. I let out a breath. Now for jewelry, I went to my new jewelry box and opened it. Ethan had kept his promise, after Christmas he took me jewelry shopping. All of it was gold because Ethan said it looked better on me than silver. I managed to keep him from going overboard with a few pieces and a jewelry box. I put in my gold trinity knot stud earrings, I had loved them the minute I saw them. I slipped on the matching necklace, the pendant rested just above my neckline. I looked in the mirror again. Okay, now it felt like a date. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It’s not a date Lexie. He’s your friend, just your friend. I didn’t like how I had to keep reminding myself of that. There was a knock on the door downstairs. I grinned. Miles was still the only one who ever knocked anymore.

  “Lexie, Miles is here!” Rory called.

  “Coming,” I called back. I pulled on my jacket, my black scarf with white skulls, and headed downstairs. Miles was talking to Rory while he waited. He was wearing black slacks, a dark green button down, and nice dress shoes. He even had his black wool coat over his arm. He looked.... drool worthy. I stopped on the stairs, I was underdressed. I was debating whether to run upstairs to change when he turned and spotted me. He gave me a warm smile.

  “Hi, are you ready?” Miles asked. I sighed as I came down the rest of the stairs.

  “Yep,” I bent down, petted Hades and said goodbye.

  When I straightened, I looked at Rory. “When’s curfew?”

  “You’re with Miles and going to Missoula so...” Rory thought about it. “I’ll give you ‘till midnight in case of traffic. If you think you’ll be a minute late, call.” We said good-bye and went out to Miles’ 2009 Nissan sedan. It wasn’t long before we were on the highway headed toward Missoula. I played with Miles' radio until we agreed on a station.

  I had to ask. “Am I underdressed?” Miles frowned. He looked away from the road to look at me, his brow drawn down.

  “What are you talking about?” Miles asked, confused. He looked back to the road, frowning. I bit the corner of my bottom lip before explaining.

  “I didn’t think about the fact you’d probably want to go to a nice restaurant,” I explained. He smiled.

  “Lexie,” His voice was the smooth, silky one I loved. “I’m only wearing this because my Mother asked me to donate a check to the drama department at the college while we’re there. Otherwise, I’d be wearing jeans and my Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy shirt.” I chuckled. When I calmed down, he continued. “Besides, I don’t like those upscale restaurants either. I’ve got somewhere else in mind.”

  “Where?” I asked, suddenly dying to know. Miles smiled that smile that showed how handsome he really was.

  “This small place I know that makes the best Italian food around,” He said. I grinned at him.

  “Oh really?”

  “Yes, you’re going to love it,” He assured me. I relaxed. He changed the subject to a documentary he watched last night which we talked about on the rest of the drive to Missoula.

  “Oh, my God,” I mumbled behind my hand around a bite of Tiramisu. Miles chuckled. I swallowed my bite. “You were right. This place is fantastic,” I admitted. Miles' ears turned pink as he took a fork full of the dessert we were sharing.

  “You’d be surprised where you’d find great food,” Miles said before eating his bite.

  I eyed him. “How did you find this place?” The entire place looked like a diner and not a bistro and the Italian food surprised the hell out of me. I finished another bite before he answered.

  “About a year ago, I was stuck at the Opera with my parents,” He began. “Earlier we had dinner at the most lavish restaurant in town.”

  “And you hated it,” I guessed. He nodded. I took another bite of dessert.

  “I hated it. Their food was great,” He shrugged. “But I’m not a big fan of French cooking. Especially, when snails are involved.” I snorted and covered my mouth. He grinned at me as he continued. “So, I was at the theater up the street watching... I don’t even remember what it was. Anyways, I was hungry so I slipped out of the theater and looked for a place to get a quick bite.”

  “And you found this place?” I asked. He nodded as he speared more dessert.

  “I was looking for a hot dog vendor or something,” He admitted. “But I saw this place and figured I had the time to sit and eat.”

  “You’ve been coming here ever since?” I asked, smiling.

  “I’ve been coming here ever since,” He said.

  “Don’t tell Asher, but the pasta here is even better than his,” I whispered to him. “I didn’t think that was possible.” He chuckled.

  “They make their pasta from scratch,” Miles told me. “Asher hasn’t got the technique yet.” I watched as Miles took a bite of dessert. He was different tonight, relaxed, I didn’t get to see him that very often. It was like his smile. A secret side of Miles and only I knew it existed. I looked away before he caught me staring.

  “So, tell me something.” I loo
ked back to him and met his eyes. “What University is the brilliant Miles Huntington planning to go to after next year?” Miles chuckled

  “Well, the best I’ve found is MIT. But there’s Harvard, Cambridge, even Stanford. There are a few top schools with amazing Astrophysics programs that I’m hoping to be able to choose from,” He said, putting his fork down. He met my eyes again and gave me a small, sad smile.

  “You’re not going to college, are you?”

  “No, I mean not right away at least. Taking art classes would help, but I’m looking to get an apprenticeship after Graduation. And most apprenticeships don’t pay, but they have lots of hours. So, I’ll probably be waitressing and learning at a shop, hopefully,” I explained. “This summer I’m going to try to get a part-time job at the tattoo shop in town so I can learn more about the whole process.” Miles face was concerned.

  “Apprenticeships don’t pay you?” He asked.

  “According to my research no, some you even have to pay for to prove you're serious,” I said. He frowned. “Miles, I’m going to be okay. I’ll find a job that pays the bills while I try to find an apprenticeship.”

  “Where?” He asked. I looked down at the table.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I haven’t figured it all out yet. I just know I’ll have to move to a large city to get the best apprenticeship I can. Valerie Vargas would be amazing, her work is incredible. Julie Becker’s color use is astonishing. Nick Baxter does these amazing large pieces that have the most incredible detail that I want to be able to pull off. There are a lot of tattoo artists that I wish I could learn from, but my chances of working with them are slim to none.” Miles was resting his chin on his knuckles with a strange smile on his face. It made me pause. “What?” Did I have food on my face?

  “You really are passionate about tattooing,” He said his voice soft. “What is it about it that you love?”

  I bit the corner of my lower lip before I answered. “For some people, it’s artwork they’ll carry around all their lives. For others...” I met his eyes as I leaned forward. “You can show yourself, what you’ve survived, and put it in your skin. It’s a visual representation of who you are, of what made you. In a world where you can hide and disappear, people with those tattoos say ‘no.’” He gave me a warm smile. “They refuse to hide, they refuse to disappear. They stand and say I’m here. This is me, take it or leave it but I’m not going anywhere.” I looked down at the table and shrugged. “It might sound corny or overly romantic-”